UNBOX: B ack to the Future brought to you by Who Are You to Review and Silver Can Beer.

I’m going to try and keep up with the Unbox gimmick because I don’t feel like working out.


TESTIMONIAL: Six months of this crap.

I’ve had all sorts of disc golf to play and homework to do, so I failed to write this on Juicejohn.com’s September 7th six month anniversary date.

I started this website on March 7th, 2012 as an outlet to just post whatever I want.  At the time I was three months in on my third college semester attempt and every class I selected turned out to be a writing class.  After being told what to write about so many times,  this blog was my form of a silent protest against the Man.  You can’t tell me what to write.  I’ll compose a piece about toilet paper and there’s nothing you can do about it...

There are many other outlets I could have chosen, but WordPress had the domain available, so I bought in.

In celebration of my now six month and four day anniversary of producing a blog with 90% original content (everything except the OTHER  category;) I’m going to stray away from Testimonial’s usual format where I break down the high’s and low’s of my personal life — and instead analyze the best and worst of my own website.

WHO ARE YOU TO REVIEW: Sierra Nevada Torpedo Ale?  This beer was disgusting and my on camera reaction was 100% honest.

NOW YOU KNOW: Druggies and the use of modified sign language.  Wanna go blow a dwarf?

JUICE JOHN MARKETING: My issue with a certain toilet tissue. Does a bear shit in the woods?  Does it use toilet paper?

WHO ARE YOU TO REVIEW: Fila Texas Ranger tennis shoe?  My first attempt at trying to review something besides a beer.  Then I drank a beer.

ADOLESCENT POETRY JAM: The Beauty of Winter and Robert Frost’s Poetry.  Nobody likes it, but I do.  And I’m the only one who matters to me.

THE ARTIST: Accidental Photography.  My HTC Windows Phone loves to launch into camera mode… without my consent.  I could make about six more of these posts.

ADOLESCENT POETRY JAM: I’m Still Counting.  I like to keep myself occupied with nonsense like this.

THE ARTIST: Minimalist Comics: Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Thirteen strangers liked this, so that made me like it.  Thanks guys!

PAPERS I WAS FORCED TO WRITE:  My tongue-in-cheek obituary.


GOD DAMN GENETICS  The whole category.

ADOLESCENT POETRY JAM: House of Lies.  I used to webcam the poetry readings for APJ.  On this one, I wore make-up… and this video embarrasses me.

NOW YOU KNOW: Why I remain single.  I suck at dating or even getting to know someone.  This post depresses me because I know the guy who wrote it.

NOW YOU KNOW:  I mess up.  Deleted scenes, outtakes.  I’m weird.  I like to edit video, so I record garbage.

JOHN’S JUICE  The whole category… even though I had fun doing the Fat Man Workout Plan videos.

THE ARTIST: Juice John Choreography.  Fun at the time, but I know that there’s going to come a time where I regret dancing on the internet.

PITCH: PRODUCT: Raisin M&M’s!  I thought it was a good idea, but nobody liked it.

THE ARTIST: Minimalist Comics: The price of paper has made me a pauper.  I don’t really have a following.  I’m not very social and I don’t promote this website’s existence.  So when I get a bunch of likes on a post, it makes me want to sell out.  That’s what this post was.  A bunch of people liked the first Minimalist Comic, so I rushed to make a second one.  The joke fell flat, as it wasn’t a joke to begin with.  I’m talking some real life shit in this piece.


JUICE JOHN MARKETING:  We knew that Caucasian rap music sold cars way before Dodge did that commercial featuring Eminem.

I was eighteen and just started to experiment with making music.  I made this video for some coworkers who nicknamed me ‘MeatSauce’ and for all the people that chanted “go whiteboy” on commencement day.  It’s bad and I like it, but nonetheless it’s a low point in my life.

Everything else.

PAPERS I WAS FORCED TO WRITE: My tongue-in-cheek obituary.

I’m taking a mandatory lifelong wellness class, which is actually a crazy amount of fun.  For an extra credit assignment, we were told to write an eulogy for ourselves.  I’m an idiot and I made this obituary instead.  Needless to say, I probably won’t get the extra credit points, but this was entertaining to assemble in MS Paint.

WTF: DingoJuice.com has a link to my website.

Two views via link? Still seems like too much.

WordPress offers a very detailed breakdown of my website’s traffic. Among many other features, I can see when people access my website via a link. I saw dingojuice.com on the list and was like “what the fuck?” I’ve never been linked by an actual webpage before, any referrers are usually from Facebook or search engines.

Obviously I don't own this image... dingojuice.com.
The juice of the dingo, an ancient Australian secret.

Being the investigator that I am, I quickly launched the website and got to the bottom of why I’m linked. I found out that Dingo Juice is a supplement that is sold via independent sellers. The website encourages people to order a couple of cases, launch their own website (YOURNAMEjuice.com) and make millions. With Dingo’s Juice you will have enough disposable income to buy a fancy convertible and have random old-timey bags of money lying around!

I own the domain name JohnsJuice.com.  I know what you’re saying, “no shit, that’s the site I’m on right now,” but you sir/madam are incorrect.  You’re on JuiceJohn.com.  Around the time that I announced the now-pretty-much-defunct John’s Juice Weight Management System, I had grandiose visions of what I wanted to accomplish.  Due to these ideas, I bought the domain name JohnsJuice.com.  I’ve just had it referring to my blog, since I haven’t completed that “project.”  That “project” for my “blog” that “I don’t know why I’m doing to begin with.”

Anyways, the point of this post is this.  Don’t be a flipping idiot and buy Dingo Juice.  Wait for me to get some traction on my John’s Juice business and just send me your money.  When this thing takes off we’re talking Jaguars, champagne, bags of money, and straight up good times.